When I look back through the last few months, there are two things that really stick out to me: the lessons of growth and the EMOTIONS along the way. Today I wanted to share about the emotional journey that came with choosing to make some really big changes in my life!
It is important for me to talk about this because I want to create an environment and community where people can feel safe and without judgment. To accomplish this, I think it is important to share the truth instead of only the parts of the story that everyone wants to hear. I decided to put this into practice. P.S…This is a vulnerable post for me. There were times that were really dark and I want to share the truth of what it can feel like at times to brave this process.
Here is how the last couple months of my life went: I had spent months debating what I needed to do with my life and finally made the decision to leave my corporate job and start building a more intentional life. This decision rocked my world. I didn’t have much of a plan – I just knew it was time to make a change. Life crashed into me and I had to process and cope with emotion to an extent I had not experienced before. Everything I felt was BIG and extreme.
On the days where I would find a new client or a project went well or I learned a new skill, I would feel incredible. The joy and sense of accomplishment I felt were like nothing I had experienced before. I was absolutely in love with my life.
And then came the anxious days. The days wondering where the next client would come from or if I was spending my time doing what I needed to be doing. I would try my best to be productive on these days but I found that most of what I accomplished was short sighted and generally unhelpful.
Then there would be days when I would cry. All day. And I would feel so lost and confused. I didn’t know who I was or how I mattered. I would feel depressed and in that moment, couldn’t understand why I existed. This was my ego death.
The changes that I made in my life ended up breaking down the pillars of who I thought I was in the past. It was a metamorphosis and the process was not always a smooth one. The coping mechanisms that I had used in the past were no longer enough to support what I was experiencing and I talk about it because it was so critical for me to go through.
At that moment, it was dark and desperate but as the saying goes, the most painful periods of our life are often the ones where we learn the most as well. This was a perfect example. I needed to feel the sting of losing everything I was so that I could start to become who I now needed to be.
In some of my worst times, I made the decision to take control of my life and began taking steps to trust myself and let the necessary growth happen.
After I decided to stop judging myself and allowed my emotions to heal. I am finding balance again. I am by no means perfect – I still have a long way to go. But I am stronger and a better version of myself every single day. And I love that!